Better Than Hallmark-And These Would Sell (rated PG13)

Need a phrase for a hard to express card? Look no further.

So your daughter's a hooker,and it spoiled your day...

Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.

My tire was thumping...I thought it was flat...

When I looked at the tire...I noticed your cat...Sorry.

You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends

here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!

'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you...

How upset you must be...

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me...

Your computer is dead...

it was once so great

Aren't you pissed

you installed Windows '98?

You totaled your car...

and can't remember why...

could it have been...

that case of Bud Dry?


OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas...
INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.

OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in hell 'til I met you.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
INSIDE: What the hell was I thinking!

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you...
INSIDE: It's almost like you're here.

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: Buy a dog.

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?